Do you find it very hard to open up to people? Why or why not? What are the benefits and disadvantages of being emotionally guarded?
Yes, to let people behind the mask is very difficult for me. I simply have a hard time trusting other people, or bother other people with my problems. The first is mostly against new people, thus I have very hard to make friends.
The other is towards family, I don't want to bother them with my issues and troubles.
Benefits... to be honest, I'm not sure there is any, not in the long run. -s§ure, it might feel good to be independent, however to be independent doesn't necessary mean that you have to shut everyone out of your life.
And after years of hiding behind that mask, you find that you are so, so lonely, and no one really knows the real you. The girl who cries when she is sad, who is sad cause she is alone. The girl who doesn't really know how to handle other people, simply cause she spent all of her life hiding away from them. The girl who wants friends, and who want to let someone in, just one person would mean so much. But you can't, cause you are afraid to trust the other person. You are afraid to trust people, even the once you do know, deep down, will listen to you, if you ask it of them.
Yes, I've been hurt, and I've created my own prison, behind my own mask. A very lonely prison. And I got tired of it.
I am working on breaking free from it, to learn that some people out there are worth it, they can be trusted, and I'm trying to learn how to. It's not been easy, and I'm nowhere done, not even close.
I am, however, doing something about it. I am on my way, and it feels great! It's not been an easy ride, and not all I've had to realize about myself has been what I've wanted to hear.
But I am so much happier now.
A huge part of me getting to where I am today are the friends I've found on the internet. I never could imagine how much of a revelation it could be to realize that there are other people like me out there. Who understands me, the way I work, think, am. Who share my interests, and who gives a damn. It's fantastic, in every single meaning of the word, and so much more.
I never had that before, I was telling myself that I didn't need it.
That I was strong on my own.
In a way, I guess I was. However, life is so much better now.
And in talking to people online, I've gotten more secure in talking to people in RL too. It might sound strange, I know the me before I discovered internet chatting would have, however it is true.
So, not all the way there, and some emotions are not meant to be for all to see. But I'm no longer in a prison of my own making.
I'm on my way towards the real me. And it's a beautiful thing.
- Current Mood: okay